Some people say I talk shit - and well, today I’m going to. Literally.

I’m not usually one to chat willingly about my bathroom habits, but in the true sense of being open and honest I’m going to.

Taking a shit used to be one of my favourite pastimes. No matter what time of day, or how busy I was, if I felt the need to back out a colon cobra - I was on it.

Cup of Coffee? F4ck yeah! That will make me want to shit more. Make mine a double shot. A big.... hot.... brown... steaming one please.

Now most people when they’re pinching out a mud bunny they’re staring at the wall or thinking about stuff and things.

Not me! I was on... you guessed it. My Mobile!

Now looking back at this habit, not only is it a bit gross (alright a lot gross) it elongated my trips to the loo. Not by a few minutes, but many many many many minutes.

Peter Jackson could have directed my shits they took that long to come out and finish. I used to get pins and needles in my legs. PINS AND F4CKING NEEDLES!!!!

That’s just f4cked up.

If you take your mobile to the shitter, stop it. Stop it right now.

Use that time to... no wait. Don’t use that time. Take a shit, wipe your bum and get the f4ck out of there and do something better with your time.